|
Seagulls dont like cripples...but they do like spaghetti.
|
|
|
| Oy Vey |
[May. 2nd, 2007|09:12 pm] |
I've come to the conclusion that, no matter what it is, my mother will always cook better than me.
The woman can make a whole meal in under 30 minutes. It doesn't matter if its baked chicken or some weird Puerto Rican concoction involving various animal guts and roots no one else knew were edible.. she-da-man. It does make me kind of sad that whens shes gone, Ill never eat Puerto Rican food again. But in order to remedy that, I would actually have to learn how to do things that you've probably only seen in horror flicks. Besides, where the fuck am I going to get banana leaves in Ft Wayne Indi-fucking-ana?
*he* was having issues in his chestal region this morning so we took him to see what was wrong.
I admit I got a little nervous thinking about what I would do if he ever bit the big one. I mean, life insurance is nice, dont get me wrong. Id be the only mom on my block sittin on 22's.. holla!
But it would suck trying to do this mom thing by myself again. The man drives me absolutely insane and sometimes I fantasize about kicking him in the face while wearing cleats of the sharpest variety.. but its better than the alternative... Which would be my sweet baby girl ending up on Maury with her neck on a swivel wearing clothes that look like she bought them at the hoe sto.
I baked my first from scratch cupcakes today. Not to pat myself on the back or anything but.. **PAT PAT** Sugar Bomb - here I come! :)
I misplaced my god damn card reader and cant upload my pics of them :(
Im doing a little life spring cleaning. Pushing away from the emotional cancer and welcoming a new change... It feels good. Ive been so emotionally beat up this past year that I need this change like my mom needs prozac.
I also found the hottest set partner EVER. I wish I would have snagged that pic he showed me.. but its cool.. Ill get more when I see him. There are not many men that I would call beautiful... but yea.. *drools*
He suggested we get married and travel the country doing tattoo conventions. Depending on how good he is with hands.. I may just take him up on it heh heh.
I meant when he tattoos me..GOD!
Ok.. no I didnt.
I went to my first hockey game this weekend! It was awesome. The fights were magnificent and we had box seats which was quite neeto. I am officially a hockey fan.. even tho I dont know how to spell officially. Thank you Joe and Jeremiah for that. You guys are the best.
I had something else to say. but fuck it.. I forgot. |
|
|
| Dunno |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|02:51 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  numb | ] |
Ive been trying very hard since everything happened when I got back home to stay positive, look foward and find happiness.
I thought for awhile I was doing really good. Meditation, reading, research and focus were making me see the brighter side of things. Bad things didnt affect me and I could change my perspective to something positive about almost anything.
Ive been feeling this creep up on me for about a week now. But then yesterday it all just kinda came crashing on me at once.
These shitty feelings that I just cant shake.... worry, panic, sadness and ungodly loneliness.
Maybe its because Im just getting over being sick. I dont know.
I worry about the bills and trying to keep the utility companies at bay.. wading through a sea of shut off notices. I panic at the thought of losing control or losing the house or losing my mind. Im scared for my future and worried about my ability to make a living doing what I love. Im 30 now. Theres no room for waiting or wondering or what-ifs. If this doesnt happen for me and happen soon... Ill have to get a job at walgreens and forever be dependant. Thats where the sadness comes in.
I think of this time last year. I was hopeful about my future and looking foward to a lot of things. Now theres nothing to be hopeful for.. nothing to look foward to. Empty promises just go in one ear and out the other.
I think the absolute worst part is the loneliness. |
|
|
| My house is overrun with teenagers. |
[Mar. 16th, 2007|07:33 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Jack off Jill - Nazi Halo | ] |
My house is overrun with teenagers.
This makes me very uncomfortable. Very very uncomfortable.
I told my 14 year old he could have a friend over. Figuring.. one extra kid in the house wouldnt be that bad. HA! what a maroon.
My doorbell rings.. and there are 3 of them standing there with big dorky smiles on their faces half drooling. The one that annoys me most barged past me and practically tackled my son to the sofa belting out this ear piercing screech that had every dog in the neighborhood trying to chew their own ears off.
Is it wrong to hate a 14 year old girl when youre a 30 year old woman?
Well, if its wrong.. I dont wanna be right.
This chick.. OMG.. I want to punch her. She is by far the most annoying thing I have ever encountered in my life. The 16 year old FLAMMINGLY homosexual boy that I had adopted and had living here at one time is like a welcome sedative compared to this girl. I am just grateful I am not this girls mother. Oh Lord.. I feel for that poor poor woman.
Anyway.. anyone that knows me knows.. I hate having strangers in my house. HATE IT. I hate unannounced company.. and I hate when people I barely know.. bring over people I dont know at all.
I guess maybe its a control issue. I find myself combing my house for anything remotely valuable and stashing it in my room.. yanno.. just incase one of them gets sticky fingers.
blag!
So, my son comes to me and asks if he can go to the movies. After reminding me 10 or so times that he is getting straight A's and a barrage of begging and pleading.. I gave in.
Since the driver of this little party is 19.. I had to have a little 'chat' with him before they left.
The discussion went exactly like this " You are 19.. he is 14. if he gets into any trouble.. Im gonna fuck you up.'
I think the poor kid almost pissed himself haha
it was funny.
I also played Dance Dance Revolution today! haha
It was fun! I looked like the biggest retard ever... and I completely blow chunks at it. But all in all it was pretty damn cool. |
|
|
| Creative Block sucks balls. |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|08:01 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes | ] |
I am having the worst creative block ever.
Ive gotten side tracked with life so I havent been working on the steps in that creativity book I bought.
This thing is driving me nuts!
I have bought and exchanged stuff from Joann and Hobby Lobby like 4 times this weekend.
Im ok when Im looking around for inspiration. When Im shopping for the materials needed for an idea I have... but when I get home and get it all ready to go... I mentally freeze up and turn into the creative equivalent of a bumbling idiot.
Vic tried really hard to get me to snap out of it. But hes not a creative guy. He doesnt understand what this is like.. and the whole 'just do it' attitude doesnt apply here.
I feel creatively paralyzed.
The worst part is.. I have no artistic friends.. so.. yea... screwed.
--------------------------------------
betsy_rocket: I am having the worst creative block ever and its driving me insane.
bruxelloistetu: Hmmm. What can I do to help?
bruxelloistetu: *ponders
bruxelloistetu: I know. Gimme 40 yards of aluminium foil, 3 hairless hamsters and the soundtrack from Tron. I'll fix this.
betsy_rocket: you are truly a brilliant man.
-------------------------------------- |
|
|
| My page |
[Mar. 9th, 2007|12:22 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Paperboy - Diddy | ] |
Looks like old people candy.
Im diggin the funk.
My hairdresser is in jail till spring. This makes me sad. She was the kind of chick I imagine myself to be. Well, except for the being an alcoholic thats always in and out of jail for DUI's - part.
Ive decided Im going to go through my LJ and delete all of my old entries except for the last few. I need to rid myself of all of that negative bullshit. Time for a new start and whatnot.
I feel kind of bad that I havent done my morning pages in a couple of days. I really liked those. They taught me a lot about myself. The problem is bridging the gap between knowing whats wrong and actually fixing it.
I have like 50 people coming to my house this weekend. None of them I actually want here. It just sort of happened. So now Im in a mad cleaning frenzy. Which is why I changed the look of my LJ... through the magic of procrastination. Makes sense, right?
Good things are happening altho Im a bit apprehensive and a little scared of them.
Old friends are making their way back into my life and not so old ones are too. Yesterday I got a great phone call, and while it did make me cry (I lied heh heh).. it was still really cool. I wont allow myself to focus on that like I once did, but it was nice to have someone to talk to again. I appreciate him like no other.
I got to talk to Darin, which was awesome. I look upon our days together with great fondness.
I think he wants to bone me. But, who can blame him really? I sure cant.
For years now I have been saving random stupid quotes from the people I talk to. I think Im going to turn it into a book and start selling it on Etsy. That should be a fun project.
-----
bruxelloistetu: Touché, ma belle.
bruxelloistetu: Well played.
betsy_rocket: oh Tyson... you turn me so on with that french talk.
bruxelloistetu: Wet clown. Yay!
betsy_rocket: his big red shoes are glistening with my vaginal leakage.
betsy_rocket: I know that was hot... try not to get wood.
-----
betsy_rocket: yea he learns from the best.
betsy_rocket: the trick is to heat the play-doh up just a little bit and give the goat a roofie.
bruxelloistetu: Try it suspended from a sling with 200V going through your anal sphincter. |
|
|
| what the hell did I do? |
[Mar. 8th, 2007|11:51 pm] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | The Quakes - I dont come from nowhere | ] |
I fucked up my page colors..
thats what I did. |
|
|
| Morning Pages |
[Mar. 1st, 2007|04:49 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Whole Wide World - Wreckless Eric | ] |
I recently purchased a book entitled The Artists Way: a guide to spiritual creativity.
Every morning you have to get up and write out, in longhand, 3 pages of whatever crosses your mind at that very moment.
I love it.
The month of Feb has been an eye opener for me. Ive learned so much about myself in such a short period of time. Its been extremely painful.. but I am so glad and grateful for that pain and the lessons that went along with it and everything thats happened.
In this month, I lost the love of my life, in so many ways. But my heart is not breaking and I am not sad. I feel honored to have known him and wish him only the best on his most difficult journey.
Even tho our final conversation ended on a very sad very angry note, I know that I finally stood up for myself in a way I never thought I could. So, for that, I wont apologize.
This past weekend was an eye opener as well. I learned to trust myself and my instincts. I learned that people who abuse the kindness of others are not worthy of my friendship or companionship. I learned that I am worth more than anyone can imagine and I need validation from no one. I am so lucky that I am me.
Vic bought me Stranger than Fiction yesterday. I made everyone who was in the house watch it.
In my entire life I have never had a favorite movie until now. This is officially it.
Its is the epitome of how I have chosen to live my life.
I thought of Ron during it, a lot... and I imagine I always will think of him when I watch this movie. I hope that he watches it again. I hope that he sees what I see. I hope he thinks of me.
I found the most oddly beautiful commercial online today.
I must have watched it 20 times.
It makes me happy. Is that weird?
I hope so. |
|
|
| The only way to the other side |
[Feb. 17th, 2007|11:33 pm] |
| [ | I feel |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | I'm listening to |
| | Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit | ] |
is through the door.
I love it.
I deleted all of my recent 'woe is me' crap. Its unneccesary and a total drag.. its been awhile since Ive blogged happy. So, I figured I was due.
California sucked. Well, not completely.. but a big chunk of it did. Ill go back, soon, I think. I have this insane travel bug.. but Im loving it and going with its flow, yanno?
Im starting to lose my sense and need for permanence. This makes me happy. More new people are coming my way and people I never thought would leave.. are gone. Instead of being devastated by their absence.. Im grateful for what they gave me during our time together.. and am accepting of the changes. Im looking foward to the lessons Ill learn and gifts Ill receive from these new sources of friendship.
My lifes path is a bit more clear to me now and that excites me to no end. The core of my priorities has changed. I had to learn how to do that one the hard way... but Im glad I did. This shit is gonna be fun :)
Sometimes its a pretty cool thing to be me. |
|
|
| tired.. |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|02:13 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| |  contemplative | ] |
my sleep schedule has been beyond fucked lately.
I sleep for 3 hours.. wake up for 4 then sleep again.. and it just keeps going.
Im in this constant haze that is really a huge hinderance. Kinda like that whole FightClub-esque.. youre not really awake not really asleep kinda thing.
We spent the weekend having an impromptu garage sale.. which.. helped us get enough money for the mortgage.. so that was a total weight off my shoulders.
The best part is.. We got my brothers old room and the garage cleaned out enough so that we can move the kids around to their own rooms.. ANDDD I get my own studio!! I am so so excited about that.
I have everything I need for very open and roomy meditation space and a nicely organize craft/art area. Now I can finally buy that Buddah and Chakra candle stand I have been eyeing at the catalpa tree. Which makes me happy since next time I go.. I can actually buy it instead of listening to vic complain about there being no room to put any of it.
I still need to pick wall colors tho. At first I thought tan since.. it would be a nice neutral color.. but.. its boring.
I need something calming and inspirational at the same time.
and i need a baby deterrent to keep my daughter away from all of the fun stuff lol
egh.. i still call her a baby. shes gonna be 4 less than a month... :(
they grow up so fast. |
|
|
| I remember |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|03:36 am] |
| [ | I feel |
| | discontent | ] |
what it was like to dream about the future.
Listening to old Prince songs.. Watching Girl 6 on hbo at 2:30 in the morning.. trying not to get outsmarted by my brand new sewing machine...
Theres something about that movie.. I dunno.. nothing special.. but something.
When I was younger everyone used to say "you should either be on the radio.. or be a phone sex operator".. well .. one was easier than the other.
When i first started PSOing I always wondered.. is it going to be like that.. like Girl 6?
Short answer - Yes with an S - long answer No with a BUT..
The music brings me back to when I was a kid.. I would listen to prince and sing in my mirror.. I wanted to be just like those girl in his videos haha
The movie brings me back to when I was living with Lonnie.. that cum guzzling fuckfaced shitbag of a cocksucker ruined a lot things for me. I never knew what mental abuse was until him.. the shit he said still affects me to this day... it amazes me.
But i watched that movie with him.. and it just made me remember the way I used to hope for the future.. for a better life for a better plan. To dream of what I was going to do and to know that it sure as hell wasnt to going to be with him.
I guess any movie about an independant woman did that for at the time.
I divorced TJ because I felt trapped.. stuck. I was super housewife and super mom.
I had no friends when we moved to indiana.. so all i had was the Home and Garden channel and a discount at Lowes.. the highlight of my day was going grocery shopping with all of the coupons I cut out to see how much I saved... haha
and i started to loose my mind. Agoraphobia kicked in like a mofo.. and it was almost 2 years before I walked out my front door..
I felt like I had my kids.. I kept up my home.. now all I had to do was wait for death.
Then when we split and i got with Lonnie.. my whole world turned around. I was all of a suddent this vibrant independant woman .. that he tried to break every chance he got.
And for the most part he succeded. I, of course, got my revenge in little ways.. but not before it was too late.
then.. he threw me to the wolves and I was only too glad to be thrown.
I moved back to chicago and tried to make a life. it was sheer misery.
living with amys mother was pure hell. I finally got a job as a phone sex operator and I couldnt wait to lock myself in that room just so I could get the hell away friom her.
I needed to get out faster.. i wasnt making enough..
All of a sudden though, I had these dreams of going to school for broadcasting.. and staying single for years until I found myself.. I dated.. and it was so cool.
I never had to answer to anyone.
Thursday nights the phone would ring..
him: Dude.. saturday?
me: yep.. taxi both ways?
him: yep
me: cool.. saturday
and that was it.. my conversations with Daren were always the same.
Then on saturdays I woud get all dressed up .. call a cab to take me to Wrigleyville.. and I would lay on his futon and smoke weed and drink tequila while he Mixed his music for hours and hours... and whatever happened after that... happened.
And I woudlnt have to feel guilty about seeing someone else. or dating.. or whatever.
Thats where I was supposed to be. I dated a comedian on the Daily Show and a DJ at the Crobar.. I dated the lead singer of Domestic Godzilla and spent my friday nights at Nite Cap and the Double Door watching bands.. meeting people.. socializing for fucks sake.
Theres nothing like a cab ride @ 3:30 in the mornign along lake shore drive.. drunk as fuck and aware of everything.
But.. everyone was against me it felt like.
my parents dissapproved of everything I did.
Amys mother was HELLLLLLLL.. and I felt like even Amy, my best friend of 17 years was looking down on me.
I had to go.
So I met Vic.. and apparently.. I swept him off his feet..
he was saying the L word to me 3 days after we met.
He got an apartment 5 blocks from me, above a bar.
Slowly but surely.. I moved in.
He made me believe that I could be the free spirit I was .. and still have agreat meaningful relationship.
And 5 years later.. here i am..
I never went to broadcasting school..
That great relationship he promised me? yea.. not so much.
He wigged out every time I wanted to go out.
He hated my friends and complained all the time.
Free spirit? hardly.
My days are filled with motony and routine.
I wake up and get the kids off to school.
I check all 4 of my emails and both mine and the betties myspace... ebay.. and etsy.
I make breakfast for the Princess and me.. and then we watch spongebob and fairly odd parents and jimmy neutron while I sew and sew and sew.. occasionally checking my email.. and the sewing some more.
The kids get home and then I try to hide in my work just because the bickering gets to be too much.
I cook dinner... wake up vic for work..
and the sew some more.
occassionally.. ill get some house work done.
the kids do their homework.. their chores.. and I build websites..
they go to bed and I watch tv.. and sew.
Dan and beth and eveeryone else try to get me to go out.. and i wont.. i cant.. i really just dont want to.
as far my agoraphobia goes.. its not full blown..
but the longer i go without getting out.. the harder it is to get me out of the house.
I resent him for making me this way. he took away the dreams and future and life i was supposed to have.
Secretly I strive to get away one day.. I save a little here and there..
but thats a long time coming.
i feel doomed.
i try to keep myself up.. to take of me .. but its not the same. I dont feel the same.
I need to get laid and to have intellectual conversations again. I need a purpose.
and tomorrow.. I wont remember that i felt this way. Ill look foward to rons call.. and ill dream about a future with him..
Ill dream about making my business grow and my son going to a school for the musically gifted..
Ill dream about vacations and sitting at the lake at night in chicago.. ]
Ill give myself things to look foward to..
but somewhere deep down.. Im always gonna feel lost. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
tampaxninja's journal